
Let me preface this post by saying that, in the future, reviews will come with photos. As I faintly remember being a bit discombobulated on our mission to
The Salt Exchange last Friday evening, naturally I forgot to bring along the camera. In light of a boring, wordy review (cause it's all about the pictures, man...), I've taken the liberty of drawing - by recollection only - pictures of the plates the old lady and I dined upon during our visit. While I'm not exactly known to keep my promises, rest assured that I will stop forgetting shit and start bringing my camera out to dinner with me from now on. I'm no Dali, and I see no reason why anyone should have to suffer through my poor attempts at drawing.
The Salt Exchange is one of the many new restaurants that have been popping up left and right lately in Portland. Located at 245 Commercial St., it's not exactly central to the Old Port shopping district yet certainly is within a short walking distance. The sign out front, tattered and weathered (though likely produced 2 months ago by a signage company) fits the modern, minimalist motif that the restaurant seems to be going for. Walking in to take in the sights of exposed brick walls, funky ceilings, a decent looking bar/lounge area and an open kitchen, The Salt Exchange looks promising. Looks can be deceiving however, especially this early in the game (they opened just under two months ago).
We were greeted by a nice, albeit overly anxious hostess who directed us past the bar into an adjacent room which houses the majority of the restaurant's tables. While some may be intrigued by the overhead track lighting and the sparse white walls offset with a series of framed photographs, it came off cold to both of us and did very little to set a relaxed mood. Oh well.
The Salt Exchange's M.O. is small plates. Each plate on their menu is relatively similar in size, and nothing reaches above the price point of $15. With menu items including lamb sweetbreads and duck prosciutto, this may sound like the gourmet's dream of eating like a king on a peasant's budget. Unfortunately, this is only about half true, maybe even one-third if you catch my drift.
I'll just go ahead and say it. Although this was the first time we've dined here (and I always like to give a restaurant at least a few tries before passing judgment), we both found more problems with our experience than we knew what to do with. Let's start from the beginning and take it from there.
First, the main room - where we were seated - is loud with a capital L. God forbid anyone go here on a first date, as the only thing you'll learn about your potential partner is their tolerance for noise and discomfort. We were "greeted" by an unfriendly waitress about 15 minutes after sitting down at 8:00 pm. As 8:00 was the only time we could get a table, I was already half-starving when we walked into the place, as I had been saving myself for what I had hoped to be a feast of "epic proportions" (hint hint).
We were explained the menu and how each course is approximately the size of an appetizer. I ordered a beer, and 15 minutes later it came. Notice the pattern here, as we're now at 8:30. The lady and I decided to start off with two items off of the amus
é section of the menu - the Maine fish trio and the barbajuans. A few questions about the menu cemented the notion that the waitress had not done her homework, as she had to check on what exactly it was that constituted a "Maine fish trio" and had described the barbajuans as "sort of like stuffed pastries." Hmm...

About 20 minutes later, a precarious plate of 3 salts, butter and 2 pieces of bread arrived on a glass plate. I figured going in that, being "The Salt Exchange," there sure as hell had better be something salt-wise other than the shaker of table salt next to the dying candle. The 3 salts (maldon, smoked grey salt and what I believe was a Tibetan black salt) were a nice touch and each had a distinct and welcomed flavor, as did the small dollop of what seemed to be homemade butter. The real problem here was that the bread portion of our bread plate consisted of what can only be described as a half of a half slice of baguette and an olive oil crouton. Keep in mind there are two people eating here - this would have better fit an ill mouse with no appetite. For better or worse, I ended up with the crouton. Needless to say, this left us with about 2 tablespoons of excess salt, which might have been nice to keep around for the meal if it hadn't had been whisked away by an unassuming bus-buy. Oh well.
Here is the real issue at hand. Our first plates of food (which arrived about 3 minutes apart from one another), came at 9:15. 9:15! In case you aren't keeping track (and who could blame you), this is exactly an hour after we sat down. At this point, I'm so hungry that I catch myself picking up grains of salt off of the tablecloth that the bus-boy haphazardly let fall off the plate. Thank God!

The barbajuans arrived first, and let me say that, despite the ridiculous description from our waitress, they were actually incredibly delicious. Stuffed with spinach, goat cheese and herbs, these crisp little packets of goodness were a Godsend for someone who hadn't eaten since noon. Unfortunately, there were only three of them, each being the size of a Totino's pizza roll; maybe smaller. We finished these off in approximately 1 minute and 45 seconds - just enough time for the fish to swim it's way over to the table.

The Maine fish trio was actually a really nice little teaser plate. It consisted of three spoons, each holding a little nugget of goodness. The first spoon held a lobster gel
ée that was absolutely delicious; like a soft gumball with a core of lobster meat. Really nicely pulled off. The middle spoon was a scallop tartare, which I also really enjoyed, as it had just the right amount of kick to it and tasted distinctly of the sea, even rivaling a fresh Winter Point oyster in that regard. The third spoon held a small piece of seared bluefish which, while not being anything mind blowing, added a nice touch to the dish. All in all, this was my favorite dish of the night, and the crime of it all was that I had to split it with someone else, as it was definitely a one man job.

For our next course we had ordered a country pat
é, which arrived 20 minutes after our last plates had been cleared, so now we're going on 9:45. Amazingly, my girlfriend is a freak for pat
é, no matter what it consists of. You could prepare a pat
é of wharf rat, wheat grass and pencil shavings and she'd gladly lap it up. After one bite, she put her fork down, looked up at me and said "this is the worst pat
é I've ever had." I took the next bite and couldn't have agreed more. I can't quite put my finger on what the issue here was, only that it was bright pink in color with an extremely lean texture, rather than the fat-laced, melt-in-your-mouth, chest pain inducing pat
é that I've come to love so much over the years. I remember hearing about how the chef here is going for a "healthy comfort food" thing, but to take paté and turn it into the textural equivalent of cat food is not a smart move in my book.
So here it is 10:00 pm, and I'm thinking "Jesus, I would love to have something to eat tonight," and not even a word from the waitress about the pace of the service. Just when I was about ready to get up and ask the chef if he needed a hand with chasing down the lamb I had ordered, the two "entrees" arrived. My girlfriend had ordered the Ricotta Gnocchi, served with candied lemon, basil and a drizzle of Manicardi balsamic. I have to say that these little nuggets of joy were incredibly tasty, and worth every penny. The trouble is, there were only five of them. I suppose this makes sense, since they cost $8, but this was her "entr
ée" and I think she was a bit disappointed with the size of the plate, especially since we were both starving at this point. Great dish however; just didn't classify as a full plate of food.

I had ordered spice-rubbed lamb with lamb sweetbreads and an eggplant tart. I will say that the sweetbreads were out of this world and were the perfect combination of sweet and salty unctuousness. I sat and meditated on these for a good five minutes, as they were one of the best parts of the meal. The lamb itself was decent and nicely cooked, but the fact that there were only two measly pieces - each with a paltry crust of spices - really pissed me off for some reason. I know the plate was only $15, but come on; at least serve three slices. Things don't look right when served in twos, and it just isn't enough food to warrant ordering the dish, as the taste doesn't make up for the lack of quantity. The eggplant "tart" was more like a strange, chilled (or inexplicably cold, not sure) custard that didn't fit with the dish whatsoever. I found it nauseating and pushed it aside, ending my meal with another stray piece of salt from the tablecloth.
By the time our plates had been cleared, it was going on 10:20, and dessert was just not in the cards. I think by this point both of us were fed up with the portion sizes, atmosphere and terrible service at The Salt Exchange, and just wanted to get the hell home for a pint of ice cream and a couple glasses of wine. We paid, cordially thanked the waitstaff and walked out the door.
I am not looking to paint a nightmarish picture of The Salt Exchange; there is clearly a lot of talent in the kitchen and the owners seem to have their hearts in the right places. What I'm trying to say is that there are two problems that will keep me from coming back until they are remedied. One is the service, as no one should ever have to wait an hour for their first, 3-bite course to arrive, and a half hour in between each additional course. I don't care what the excuse is - the service itself will cause this place to go under if it does not change. I suspect it has something to do with a kitchen staff that hasn't quite gelled yet as a team, as the few minutes I spent waiting for a spot in the bathroom gave me a chance to check out the scene in the kitchen, and it reminded me of the panicky last 30 seconds of an Iron Chef battle, rather than a relaxed, confident kitchen.
The second issue is portion size. I am no stranger to "small plates," "tapas" or whatever the hell you want to call them. The Salt Exchange just happens to take this concept a little too far, as the "hot" (read: main) plates are too small to make a meal out of, even if you've ordered a few courses beforehand. There are other restaurants in Portland that subscribe to the small plate theory, and I happen to be a very big fan when it is pulled off correctly.
Should you avoid The Salt Exchange? Not unless you want to rely 100% on my words, which I wouldn't recommend to anyone. This is a review of a particular experience, and you may well go tomorrow evening and have the best meal of your life. Just don't make any plans for after dinner, as you likely won't make it out on time.
The Salt Exchange is located at
245 Commercial St. in Portland, ME.
~E~
Have you eaten at The Salt Exchange? Be sure to leave a comment about your experience!